Man's Take Magazine

All You Care to Eat – Caveman Buffet

The challenge has gone from many modern buffet restaurants. It’s no longer All-You-Can-Eat, but the far more politically correct “All-You-Care-To-Eat.” Because as a discriminating man you might choose not to eat that last drumstick of chicken, even though technically you can, right?

I personally feel that I’m compelled by some strong caveman instinct that keeps me eating whenever food is in front of me. I often feel like a goddamn seagull sucking down Alka-Seltzer. I feel great as I’m eating, right up until I hit the point just prior to explosion. I believe it is possible to rupture your abdomen with food, and I’m sure it’s not a pleasant way to kick the bucket.

These caveman instincts seem to be quite strong in me. Put me in front of a buffet of prime rib and Alaskan snow crab legs, and I “care-to-eat” every morsel of food I can find until I’m literally in severe pain. Over the years I’ve managed to moderate myself slightly, but not enough. I still leave over-stuffed and regretful of that one last chicken wing I had to devour before I could leave. Ok, maybe not regretful. Who can begrudge himself a measly chicken wing?

I don’t know about you, but I’ve observed that this uncontrollable carnage seems to revolve mostly around meat. I think this dates back to our hunter/gatherer days when our ancestors often went for long periods without a fresh kill. But once the prey was slapped upside the head with a jagged rock, it was torn open to create a feast of unprecedented proportions.

Our ancestors got their animal protein in bursts. Let’s face it, they didn’t have sodium disphosphate back then so their freshly slaughtered animal carcass didn’t last as long as a box of uncooked spaghetti. They had to eat it while it was fresh.

So our hunter/gatherer ancestors got massive bursts of protein when they downed a moose or some other hulking animal and shared it around a big fire. Kind of makes you want to jump back in time, doesn’t it? Except that… they didn’t actually cook their food. Mmmm, nothing like a warm buffalo liver straight from the beast’s gut. And no, I don’t mean liver with buffalo wing sauce you wierdo.

I think I’ll skip living like my ancestors and just go to Fogo de Chao. Waiters here actually RUN to bring me meat that’s dripping grease and slathered in salt and spices. Cardiologists’ heaven. It’s so good, I think St. Peter guards the front door sometimes.

Next time you go to a big buffet, be a man and decide that you care to eat as much as you can possibly cram into that fat ass of yours. Enjoy yourself a nice protein feast of epic proportions and make sure to take a picture of the remaining bones and other carnage with your camera phone so you can brag to your friends at the office how much meat you gnawed through. See you in the hospital when you bust more than just the buttons on your pants.

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One Response to “All You Care to Eat – Caveman Buffet”

1. Anonymous says:

   September 14, 2010 at 12:34 AM

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